Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Sir Elton

I've been hesitant to write this. Somehow it adds a flair of finality. A splash of reality.

Three weeks ago, on May 14, I woke up and yelled for Elton. He sleeps by my  head so waking up without him was strange but he could have been eating or taking a break from my relentless snuggles. I did not suspect anything but Curtis will tell you that it didn't feel right. He knew something was amiss.
I continued to holler for Elton. Come here twinkles!!

Curtis searched the usual spots:
the floor in our clothes closet- the cats enjoy napping on our shoes.
the bathroom
the kids closet- we have lots of boxes in there where we have set up blankets for the cats to nap on

The kids closet.

The kids closet.

I can't even look in there anymore.

I heard him rustling around back there and then he came back into our bedroom where I was still in my undies yelling Eltons names. He stared at me with big frightened eyes and a hand covering his mouth.



What Curtis...??


He went back into the kids room and I heard him tearing things apart. I joined him in there and watched as he frantically and silently removed every stupid thing we've been storing in the closet.

Curtis tell me what is wrong



And then he told me to leave the room. "Get out of here sweetie"
So I walked away. Panic set in like bricks in my belly. Immediate perspiration.

When I re-entered the room maybe 30 seconds later I demanded to know what was going on. I think I said something like, "Curtis this is abnormal behavior please explain yourself"

"Elton is dead." he said softly.

no. no! that isnt possible. no. show him to me. no. no.
He came to me and held me while I sobbed. He said sorry. What else can you say??

He gently pulled Elton out of the closet and wrapped him in a towel. I sat on the edge of the bed crying and incoherently yelling that it wasn't possible and it couldn't be real. My baby. My sweet furry friend.

He tried to soften the blow saying things like, "I'm certain it happened instantly, no suffering." and "It's a freak accident."

We don't know how it happened. He was wedged between a box and a large fan. I didn't look myself because I couldn't but Curt says it seemed like something might have fallen on him and snapped his neck. No sign of a struggle. No blood. No wounds. Just my lifeless Elton.

I cried until I couldn't. I went numb. I had to think logically. What do I do next? We bury him, but where?
My parents backyard seemed perfect. It's a beautiful place and somewhere I would always be able to visit.

After laying in the grass for an hour, crying and not crying, we took Elton out to my parents house. I wasn't sure where the best place to dig was and neither of my parents were answering their phones. It was after noon by this point and Megan and Quinn were going to meet us and assist with the burial.

Finally my mom called me- she had been playing racquetball all morning. As soon as I told her she began to tear up- I had to get off the phone or I'd crumble again.

We picked a nice shady spot in the yard and Quinn and Curt started to dig. It was a nice hole.

A nice hole.

We covered the spot with some beautiful Iris my mom had growing. They lasted for about 10 days. Remarkable really since iris tend to wither quickly after being cut.

For days after, I would wake up without my pillow pet and feel empty. I am not sure i'll ever be the same again honestly. I have a tiny little elton hole in my heart.

here are some things I learned:

- I have the most amazing friends and family in the entire world and feel infinitely fortunate to have been comforted by all of you. people sent me flowers and cards. people cried with me. people showed up on my doorstep at 7 am with coffee and donuts. people hugged me for as long as I needed them to. people let me cry and talk about it. or not talk about it.
- Curtis is the best man I know.
- everything you love will die and that's okay- loving animals and people is always worth it. the 7 years of joy Elton brought me will always be in my heart and I try to remember that when I feel sad about it. life is short and precious and beautiful and painful and wildly amazing.


Forever my baby Sir Elton will be.

Wednesday, May 7, 2014

all done

Well, I made it through another semester. If all goes well I will have two more semesters at SLCC and then I can move on to higher education. Hooray learning! This was my happy school is out for a few weeks face:

Last week we celebrated my brothers birthday. We successfully surprised him too! A few texts to some of his friends, who in turn shared the message with more friends, added up to a house full of happy people. KC is a very sweet man and everyone loves him. I find that whenever I am with him I am full of joy. He makes life better.

Also last week Camille came to visit. She was only here for a few days so we really tried to jam everything in.
Baby Emily is so calm and good. 

We visited my Grandpas house while she was here. It feels so different there now. Just a shell. Years ago, when I would walk into the house I would be flooded with memories of mattresses on the living room floor for big cousin sleepovers and the smell of pork roast and mashed potatoes or the sound of the AC blasting. Now when I walk in I feel sort of empty- I expect to recall those special things but they aren't there anymore. I think maybe the memories were never in the house to begin with. Maybe they've always been inside me and I can call upon them anytime I want.

The yard is overgrown. The Lilacs are shriveled. Roses will bloom still, whether we tend to them or not. I wonder if it makes my dad sad to see his home like this. I wonder what will happen to it.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

so close!

1 more bowling class
4 more intro to psych classes
4 more lifespan development classes

This semester was so much fun. In the past, at this point in the semester, I have usually been stressed to tears. This time around I feel confident and happy. I'm studying things that are actually interesting to me and the knowledge I'm gaining will hopefully aid me in my future career.

I only get two weeks off between this semester and the summer session so I plan to use that time wisely.
I will:
- go on a girls trip to southern utah
- celebrate mothers day, my dads birthday, and Sarahs birthday!
- finish reading Bonk and a couple others i've started
- put things in the Etsy shop I created and get that organized
- ride my bike to and fro
- relax
- get wild

hope your spring is off to a good start. xo

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

april and feelings

April is a beautiful month. Spring comes to town but keeps a moody arms distance. It snowed this morning on my way to school, but as I peek out the window now I see blue sky and puffy white clouds. I've been accompanied by a low melancholy mood for the past couple of days. I found out that Megans dad died on Monday and I feel brokenhearted for her.

Hug your parents.
Hug your siblings.
Hug your friends.
Forgive people. Forgive forgive forgive them.
Forgive yourself.  Let go.
Love the people who are worth it and disengage with those who do not deserve your energy.

I'll have a happy note for you tomorrow, I promise.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

probably not your flavor

with the craziness of work and school and family and friends I like to make certain that I have time for non academic reading. me time. me and book and hot tea time.

I recently finished these books...

First- Stiff: The Curious Lives of Human Cadavers by Mary Roach

This book kind of rocked my world. Death is such a taboo subject in our society, so it felt really good to read about it and think about it without feeling like I was going to upset someone. She shares scientific research on topics like beheading, embalming, car and plane crashes, and a variety of cadaver study procedures. Mary Roach is a great writer and as soon as I finished this one I moved right on to another one she wrote called Bonk. If you're fascinated with death and dying and what happens phsyically (not spiritually, she doesn't touch that) with our bodies you should definitely read this!

Second- Rob Delaney. Mother. Wife. Sister. Human. Warrior. Falcon. Yardstick. Turban. Cabbage. 

Okay so that's the silliest book title I've ever laid eyes on but this book was fantastic. I fell in love with Rob Delaney on the internet a couple years ago. He's funny. He's funny as hell guys. His book is a compilation of stories from his life ranging from childhood mischief to heartbreaking adulthood realities. He made me laugh. He made me cry. He made me laugh so hard that I cried and then continued to cry because it felt good. He is extremely vulgar though and none of his stories can be shared without at least 10 really horrible words that you'd never say in front of your mother (or even your cat).  I want to hug you Rob Delaney.

What are you reading? Should I read it too?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014


This eye opening article was circulating around the internet today:


... and it resonated greatly with me.

several of the things on the list stood out to me but one in particular was:

#5. Stop trying to be someone you’re not. – One of the greatest challenges in life is being yourself in a world that’s trying to make you like everyone else.  Someone will always be prettier, someone will always be smarter, someone will always be younger, but they will never be you.  Don’t change so people will like you.  Be yourself and the right people will love the real you.

Finding out who you are is a lifelong process full of forked roads and changing scenery. So how can you truly be yourself if you're constantly on a journey to find out who that is?

Start with what you know.
Start with the basics. 
Start by being honest with yourself when it comes to your needs and feelings.

Chipping away at nagging self doubts, negative people, and self destructive thinking can be a slow process but you have to start somewhere.

I hope you're loving who you are today.


Tuesday, March 25, 2014

I can't lie

I'm here to tell you that my murdery tendencies have struck again. I killed the basil plant. I didn't want to. Maybe I knew I was going to from the start? Probably. It was destined to die.

ALL of my other plants are still alive and growing, I am happy to report. I had to take my darling ivy plant over to my moms house to live because apparently most ivy is toxic to kitties. My mom will take good care of it and I will visit him (flo - rida) frequently.

I wanted to share a recipe with you today. Measurements are rough and to your taste so I don't know if this really counts as a recipe but I've been shoveling so much of it into my mouth I felt like I had to tell you.

Roasted Cauliflower and Garlic:

Serves 2-3 depending on how far you are willing stretch your stomach in one sitting.

1/2 head cauliflower
2 cloves roughly chopped garlic
1 small lemon, cut in half
extra virgin olive oil- about 2 tbsp 
salt and pepper

  • Pre heat your oven to 400
  • Chop the cauliflower into small florets
  • Toss with olive oil and garlic in a good size bowl
  • Transfer to a baking sheet and spread the florets (thats a funny word) out evenly. 
  • Cut your lemon in half. Use one half now, squeezing the juice all over your cauliflowers. 
  • Season with salt and pepper to taste. 
  • Bake for 15-20 minutes
  • Use remaining half of your lemon to add more sexy flavors to your cauliflower. 
  • Taste and add more salt if you think you need to. I'm not the boss of you
  • I couldn't make this bullet point go away so please forgive me okay thanks.

    I can only show you a photo of the pre baked cauliflower because my desire to eat it was stronger than my desire to have a pretty photo for you. 
    Did you know that cauliflower is very high in Vitamins C and K?  It is. Cool huh. It's also a part of the cruciferous family (cabbage, brussels, bok choy, broccoli) and some studies have shown us that these veggies can help prevent certain kinds of cancer. Honk my horn. 

    I hope you try it.