Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Why do I have to say English? I live in America.

I went to the ghetto mall on my lunch break, and i'm so glad I did.
Chinese gourmet serves vegan/vegetarian dishes!! Thank you little Asian lady!!
"my rittle sistah is a vegan"
Also- Hot dog on a stick now serves VEGGIE DOGS on a stick! How freaking awesome is that.
People are catching on, and hopefully, eventually everywhere will have tasty treats for me :)

I just want to bake- so that I don't have to think about everything going on in my life.

I have a great life- i'm not complaining. Just a lot going on. So much that... things that used to upset me, just make me feel nothing inside now.
I'd rather sit home with Olivia that do the things I used to do.
People keep saying "wow, you're living at home again? isn't that a big adjustment?"
But no- its not. Right now,Today, there is no where else I'd rather be than under the same roof as my mother and father.

The comfort level is overwhelming.
Eventually, at some point- i'll leave again. Probably in the next month or two. But right now this is exactly what I need. I need to be with the people who love me deeply and unconditionally.
It's really really hard finding out who your real friends are. Realizing that you can't trust 90% of mankind. People you thought loved and cared about you disappear when you need them the most.
People are all about convenience these days. Hence McDonalds. Walmart. You don't think about all the fecal matter and weird hormones that comes in your hamburgers. You don't care that some hard working woman with 7 kids gets paid less&less to make the shit you buy every day- just so that you can buy it cheaper. It seems convenient because its just sitting there all pretty on the shelf with a discounted price tag just for us. Do we even think about where it comes from? How it got to the shelf its sitting on? No we don't care, because we want it now, and there it is. It is no concern of ours where the shit we buy comes from.

But it should be.

Your toys and clothes don't just pop out of thin air. Everything is mass produced. Manufactured by someone else we'll never meet.
It freaks me out sometimes. But I try not to think about it. Just like you do when you bite down on your chicken nuggets. Don't think about it. Chickens don't even have nuggets. They do however have eyeballs, feet, brains and guts just like we do.
I love learning. But the more I learn- the more decisions I have to make. Thats just a part of life apparently.
But i'm learning that there is so much GREY area. Not everything is black and white wrong and right. Sometimes there is more than one right choice.
You'll tell me to pray to know which choices to make.
I don't want to get too deep into this topic but just to skim the surface.. (and I'd appreciate no judgement from anyone on this) When I think about prayer- and how I used to pray when I was littler- not even little- I think I stopped praying when I was 16. I can remember vividly the last few times I prayed and I felt nothing. I felt like I was talking to myself. (I know, I know, faith without works is nothing, aka praying without believing it'll work is useless) But still today thats how I feel about prayer. I won't say I never pray because, occasionally I catch myself talking to.. myself. I figure thats just my way of praying,sort of like self-manifestation. I say out loud to myself the things which my heart desires. I talk to myself about the options that I have, the pros and cons of each choice I could make. I talk to myself about where the outcome of the choice I make will lead me- and whether it will lead me to have to make more difficult decisions.
I do not mock or ridicule people who pray. I think its a great thing to do. If it helps you and it makes you feel better then by all means DO IT.
For me- Praying the way I used to- just didn't feel effective or useful.
Don't hate- its just how I do it.
I don't know where I was going with that anyway.

Gettin my hair done tomorrow- pretty excited :) Hopefully Keelee can fix my bangs. You really do get what you pay for when it comes to haircuts.
I once paid 40 dollars and got a pretty decent cut.
The other day I paid 3 dollars and uhh.... well now I have crooked bangs, bless the soul of that little barber in training.

Kate this comic is for both you and I.
For you because geeks ask you to dance.
And for me because I seem to be a magnet for boys who probably only pretended to like me because it was convenient at the time.

Where the hell did I go wrong?


that jordan girl said...

I'm glad you're enjoying where you are living. Sometimes just being surrounded with good people is amazing. I wish I had more of that.

Don't worry, the ONLY guys I attract are wrong. Even the ones I don't attract are wrong.

Camille said...

Love you. You will find the perfect guy, along with kate. Perfect for you.

There are no perfect men.